Friday Updates April Fools' Edition - April 1, 2020

April Fools' Edition - Wednesday, April 1, 2020

RESURRECTING THE BULL MOOSE PARTY, DURHAM’S CARDEN WELSH ANNOUNCES 2020 PRESIDENTIAL RUN 

Having been involved with Durham public policy as a Town Councilor on and off for 6 years, plus stints on other local boards, many Durhamites were wondering why Councilor Carden Welsh opted to step off the Council this past March. 

The answer is now clear; he’s running for President! Yes, after working tirelessly to make Durham great again and biden his time, he’s really gotten the burn to make a difference.  

“We’re going to clean up this political mess in our country -- toilet paper in every bathroom, hand sanitizer at every sink!” he said.  

When asked how he was going to pay for that, Campaign Chairperson Kitty Marple noted, “He has a plan for that!”

The Progressive (or Bull Moose Party) was a third party in the United States formed in 1912 by former president Theodore Roosevelt.

“Under that prickly beard, he’s really a nice guy,” said his wife Ann.  

HERMIONE TOBIAS WINS NEW CATEGORY IN THIS YEAR'S WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW

The prestigious Westminster Kennel Club in New York added a category to its dog show this year in homage to the conclusion of the beloved Star Wars series. 

The surprise winner last month in the coveted new Yoda category was Durham’s own Hermione Tobias! Owner Sally Tobias said, “Hermione is just thrilled. We have been working on her ears for a number of years now since my old friend Harrison Ford tipped us off to the new category. Her swashbuckling skills with the light saber were surely a factor as well.”

PLANNING BOARD MEMBER, BARBARA DILL, RECOGNIZES PORTRAIT OF HER AUNT OLGA IVANOVNA LAZOVIC

Durham resident Barbara Dill was recently looking at some art posters on line and came across this image of Picasso’s Portrait of Marie-Thérèse Walter from 1937. 

She knew immediately that something was amiss. The woman is not Marie-Thérèse Walter but rather Barbara’s eccentric great aunt Olga Ivanovna Lazovic who spent several years in Paris in the thirties, was a model for Picasso, and was known to have been his lover until they had a tempestuous falling out. 

It is unmistakable: Aunt Olga had a slight blue cast to her skin and that orange hat was her favorite. Plus, her nose was always a little out of joint. A lawsuit against Picasso’s estate has been filed with Le Tribunal de Grande Instance de Paree.

CALLING ALL CARS: ELECTRIC SCOOTERS COMING TO DURHAM POLICE

Durham PD will start test driving electric scooters as a possible alternative in the summer to the traditional cruisers. This will not only save the department gas and act as a more ecologically-friendly alternative, it will allow police officers to act as role models for young adults who wish to operate them safely on the roadways of Durham.  

At a recent training session, Chief Kurz was quoted as saying, “Weeeeeeeee!”

WATER COUNTRY ANNOUNCES MOVE TO DURHAM’S MILL POND     

Citing the beautiful setting and numerous attributes of the Oyster River, the Mill Pond, the falls, and the Great Bay Estuary beyond, Water Country has notified Dir. of Planning Michael Behrendt that the company plans to relocate operations from its Rt. 1 Portsmouth location to Durham for a more organic themed park in 2021. “We hope to become the Disneyland of the North,” a Water Country spokesperson stated.  

Some of the attractions will include a swan-themed roller coaster, the Snapping Turtle Experience, and the Fish Ladder Falls white water raft ride.

Public Works Director Mike Lynch, who will be retiring this June from his position in Durham, has been hired to oversee all construction activity. "Who doesn't enjoy a great in-town theme park - very New Urbanist!" he said.

GAME, SET, PICKLEBALL? UNH/DURHAM to develop new pickleball complex between President's House and Health Center 

UNH and Durham Parks & Rec. have announced the acceptance of a generous donation from dental tycoon now turned philanthropist and pickleball enthusiast Dr. Jay Gooze to construct a state-of-the-art facility here in Durham!   

The two-acre complex, located right next to the big red bird statue, will include indoor and outdoor courts for pickleball — a four-person court game that combines elements of tennis, ping-pong and badminton — in addition to a new fast-casual restaurant and rooftop bar. 

Beyond pickleball, the venue will offer spaces to play bocce ball, shuffleboard, and lawn games like corn hole. 

“I just love Pickle Ball,” stated UNH President James Dean.  It’s something that can really bring on-campus and off campus community members together in a family-friendly way for all ages."

RELIEF AT LAST!

After much design review and multiple public meetings, we have selected the winning design for Durham’s new downtown toilets. Due to popular demand there will be three units placed in convenient locations throughout downtown: In front of Young’s Restaurant, on the island where Main Street and Madbury intersect, and by the old Town Hall/Courthouse. 

These units have the latest technology, and are “Alexa” and “okay Google” enabled, for hands-free usage.

Upon leaving the unit one only needs to firmly announce “Alexa, flush!”. The door will close and the unit will self-clean.

NEW CATALOG SERVICE AT DURHAM PUBLIC LIBRARY

The Library is gearing up for it's new "Cat Catalog".  Can't commit to owning a cat for more than three weeks? The DPL can help!

THE REAL BETH OLSHANSKY STORY!

Media maven Josh Meyrowitz sent along the above photograph this morning and noted, “If you've been wondering why Beth Olshansky has had a lower profile in Durham of late, my crack research team has uncovered the answer: As you can clearly see in the above magazine photo, Beth has become a supermodel under a pseudonym for the SUPER NATURAL line of products.”

Well done, Beth (and Josh)!

UNH IS J.K. ROWLING’S NORTH AMERICAN SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY

Hollywood insiders have in informed us that Ilvermorny, J.K. Rowling’s North American school of witchcraft & wizardry, is actually near the UNH campus! Harry Potter fans starving for more information about Ilvermorny will have to wait until the film Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them 3 is released in November 2020 for the exact location.

Based on strange activity, Durham Police report it is likely the Stolworthy sanctuary between ORMA and ORHS.



It’s now clear why Harry Potter themed music has been playing from the bells of Thompson Hall over the last several years…